Lying Bastard

Cooper Green

Saturday, 13 June 2009

This blog has moved to a shiny, new, more permanent place.  Please visit me at ...

http://coopergreen.blogspot.com

.... for all new, fresh lying! 

Don't forget to bookmark my new home.  See you there!!

posted by: coopergreen at June 13, 2009 16:01 | link | comments (2) |

Friday, 12 June 2009

To my non-Mo'Time friends, who must wonder what's going on:

Shortly, the Mo'Time name will disappear from the internet.  That means you won't be able to access my blog unless you redirect your browser to http://coopergreen.us.splinder.com.  But why would you do that?  Go ahead, try it.  All you'll get is gibberish (Italian gibberish, no less) that explains I'm not there.  But if you wait until the Splinder brain trusts make the change on June 19th (or 18th, if you're west of Italy), you still won't be able to visit.  Know why? Because you won't be able to access this frickin' page, which is currently the only place in the universe where my new blog name is written down.  True, you might write it down now and visit after the change, but since I am so certain that nobody on earth has so many dedicated-at-all-costs friends such as yourself who will go to such lengths to track me down, I can't imagine why I would ever post any new material here.

Nope, I'm gone.  But I'll be blogging again, and when I am, I hope you will visit me at my longstanding Blogspot address (http://coopergreen.blogspot.com) to find out where I've gone.

I am terribly, terribly sorry.  Please be patient, and I will contact as many of you as I can individually.

Update: If you can see this post, it's probably because you clicked my Old Stuff link at Blogspot.  Feel free to browse, and please note that I duplicated all my posts after April 11 from my old blog to my new one.  Thanks for visiting.

posted by: coopergreen at June 12, 2009 13:18 | link | comments (4) |

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

posted by: coopergreen at June 10, 2009 12:53 | link | comments |

Friday, 29 May 2009

Don't do, it, Archie

posted by: coopergreen at May 29, 2009 23:27 | link | comments (2) |

Wednesday, 27 May 2009

posted by: coopergreen at May 27, 2009 20:10 | link | comments (1) |

Tuesday, 26 May 2009

Happy Birthday, Kim

posted by: coopergreen at May 26, 2009 14:46 | link | comments (6) |

Sunday, 24 May 2009

Happy News Café


from Shorpy

posted by: coopergreen at May 24, 2009 21:30 | link | comments (4) |

Tuesday, 19 May 2009


Shorpy

posted by: coopergreen at May 19, 2009 20:46 | link | comments (5) |

Thursday, 14 May 2009

posted by: coopergreen at May 14, 2009 21:08 | link | comments (2) |

Friday, 08 May 2009

Vintage Advertising


Original poster

posted by: coopergreen at May 08, 2009 23:12 | link | comments (8) |

Tuesday, 05 May 2009

Protect Yourself Against Swine 'Flew'



Wear safety goggles at all times.

posted by: coopergreen at May 05, 2009 15:03 | link | comments (6) |

Friday, 01 May 2009

Vintage Advertising



Original poster

posted by: coopergreen at May 01, 2009 00:26 | link | comments (5) |

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Vintage Advertising


Original poster

posted by: coopergreen at April 29, 2009 09:52 | link | comments (3) |

Monday, 27 April 2009

Clam Bay Resident Astounded To Find Image Of Joaquin Phoenix In His Coffee

“It’s a miracle!”  That’s the phrase that Gumper Studpillow kept repeating to Clam Bay Journal reporter Wicky Spanks yesterday after he had famously reported an amazing incident that interrupted his peaceful Friday breakfast two weeks ago, and has since changed his life.  “It’s him.  No question about it.  He’s got that little scar on his top lip and that spooky beard and the sunglasses.  It’s a frickin’ miracle, that’s all I can say.”  Studpillow's voice caught, as he recalled his shock at seeing the blurry, bearded image of now-retired actor Joaquin Phoenix in the surface of his coffee that fateful morning. 

Since that Easter weekend, Studpillow reports that he has been inundated with calls, and visits from strangers who are desperate to see for themselves the fading image that is still visible in his now-cold cup of coffee.  “A busload of South American Chiropractors came by, just yesterday, seventeen of them in town for a convention, and they all crowded into my tiny little kitchen to take a look.  I was in my underwear.”  Still visibly shaken by the events of the last two weeks, and barely able to absorb the changes that have taken place in his daily routine since that fateful Good Friday breakfast, Studpillow fought back tears on several occasions during the interview.  “I don’t know what it all means, but I’m sure it’s a message.  He might even be trying to tell me to cut down on drugs, starting with caffeine” said Studpillow, an apparent reference to Phoenix’s award-winning portrayal of Johnny Cash in I Walk The Line.

Adding to the mystery is Studpillow’s claim that a piece of toast he had been eating also bore the unmistakeable likeness of David Letterman.  “Can you believe that?  David Letterman on my toast and Joaquin Phoenix in my coffee.  I wish I still had that toast, but I ate it before I saw the coffee.”  Studpillow claims not to have had a full nights’s sleep in over two weeks, but can’t bring himself to watch The Late Show because Letterman’s image is too upsetting.  “That little gap between his teeth just gets me.  It takes me back to that day,” he says, taking a sip from a freshly brewed cup of decaffeinated coffee.  “Letterman was mean to him.  Joaquin Phoenix is a weird cat, no doubt about that, but he has a message for me.  And Letterman was mean to him.”  Unemployed since 1993, Studpillow has now resolved to join the Ministry, travel with his now-famous coffee cup, and speak out against excessive caffeine use.

posted by: coopergreen at April 27, 2009 09:46 | link | comments (6) |

Friday, 24 April 2009

The Family Circle Jerk

posted by: coopergreen at April 24, 2009 21:17 | link | comments (2) |

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Vintage Advertising


Original poster

posted by: coopergreen at April 22, 2009 18:04 | link | comments (8) |

Friday, 17 April 2009

The Survey

Many of you took the time to let me know what you want to see from this blog, and I'm grateful.  I should probably have pointed out that the Lying Bastard's commitment to the principles of democracy might be less stringent than those of ... oh, name any third world despot ... so I won't necessarily hoist Tom Cruise's lifeless body on a sharp stick as someone suggested (he's actually on a boat, headed for Hawai'i, as we speak).  But I did want to get a clue as to which posts were a good idea, and which weren't, and you let me know.

Two unanimous conclusions:
1. Wine will be served on Thursdays
2. There are plenty of people out there who are just as ridiculous as Tom Cruise.  It's simply a matter of picking him out, and ridiculing him until you are as sick of him (or her) as you are of Tom.

Beyond that, you were very complimentary.  Without betraying your confidences, I can say that the big winner in the "want to see more of" category was 'personal insights', and the big loser was Tom.  But then, he's got his ego to fall back on, so it all works out.  Thank you again for participating.  And thanks for continuing to visit.

posted by: coopergreen at April 17, 2009 07:50 | link | comments |

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

The Family Circle Jerk

posted by: coopergreen at April 14, 2009 09:19 | link | comments (4) |

Saturday, 11 April 2009

The Chocolate Easter Bunny Sweepstakes

This thing with animals being made out of chocolate for Easter was no slam dunk for bunnies, y'know.  Back in the thirties when Coca Cola was inventing the way Santa Claus looks today, there were dozens of food companies that realized pretty quickly that they'd better jump on the bandwagon before all the good holidays were taken.  The people at Hershey were actually a little bit slow off the mark, and if chocolate didn't taste as good as it does, we might all be munching on asphalt marsupials every Easter.  But let's go back to the beginning.

When the Santa dust finally settled, and Coke had successfully claimed the biggest holiday of the year as its own, every food processing company in the world started staying up late trying to decide which holiday they should hijack.  Easter was a popular first choice.  It had a lot going for it: springtime ... good weather ... first holiday after winter ... bonnets ... all very upbeat and pleasant.  True, there was a death being celebrated.  An ugly, painful crucifixion no less.  That was a negative.   But if you take the high road you can say that He kind of came back to life, so maybe it wasn't all that bad after all.  Besides, there was no Easter mascot back then.  Bonus.

Long story short, Easter was quckly being recognized as the number two holiday after Christmas, and every company in the universe wanted a piece of the action.  They all had the same plan: find a mascot and attach their brand, so the two would eventually become synonymous.

First one out of the gate was Chiquita Bananas:


Nice try, but the Easter Banana Slug was not going anywhere.  Chiquita quickly realized their error, put salt on their slug, and went out and hired Carmen Miranda instead.  An excellent Plan B.

Chef Boy-Ar-Dee reasoned that a) cowboys would never go out of style, and b) everybody like-a some spaghetti, and c) Italy is the perfect place to make cowboy movies.  Thus, Chef Boy-Ar-Dee was eager to trot out their corporate entry, the Easter Spaghetti Western:


Packaging was problematic, and the public was slow to warm up to a snack that oozed sauce.  Chef Boy-Ar-Dee eventually gave up on Easter, stopped calling itself "The Tombstone Treat", and moved to San Francisco.  To their credit, however, they turned out to be right about the movie thing.

Nabisco.  What a bunch of snots, those Nabisco people.  All intellectual and hoity toity.  They deserved to fail when they introduced Easter Fig Newtons:

Seriously.  Would you eat a cookie that looked like a hairy English Physicist with a green face?  Didn't think so.  To this day, many people still refuse to believe that the company that introduced this disgusting idea to the world could be the same company that invented Oreos.

Before Hershey finally won the Easter Wars, their most serious competition came from Australia.  Despite being genetically dishonest, Australians have always had it in the back of their minds that they could be good at something that didn't involve either theft or sheep.  As well, generations of living on an island has allowed them to talk themselves into believing that Vegemite has an acceptable taste (they call it 'delicious' rather than "acceptable", but remember: they're Australian), and with their surplus of peculiar animals, they were quick to launch a Marsupial snack that they believed would surely capture the world's imagination: the Easter Vegemite Kangaroo:
That was enough to wake up the folks at Hershey.  Secretly buying up all available supplies of Vegemite Kangaroos, they were relieved to discover that Vegemite tastes like, and looks like, excrement.  But in spite of this, everyone in the boardroom wanted to bite off the kangaroo's tail ... and his paws and his head, until all that was left was a disgusting lump of inedible asphalt.  But the message was clear.  Hershey would build a chocolate animal with huge bite-sized appendages, and this animal would become the true symbol of Easter.

The story does not end here, of course.  The Hershey Marketing Department struggled with a long list of beasts whose appendages certainly met the requirements, but whose chocolatized manifestations would certainly sear the sensitivities of decent consumers everywhere, should they ever reach the store shelves.  Eventually, common sense prevailed.  Bunnies won out over sperm whales and baboons, and the world had a new seasonal snack.

Happy Easter.

posted by: coopergreen at April 11, 2009 23:55 | link | comments (7) |

Thursday, 09 April 2009

The Family Circle Jerk

posted by: coopergreen at April 09, 2009 18:12 | link | comments (1) |

Monday, 06 April 2009

The Survey

That's not just a title. It's a survey.  Click the damn thing.


(and since I didn't pay for a classier presentation, I'll just thank you now for taking the time to participate).

edit: now it is just a title. Thanks for your interest.

posted by: coopergreen at April 06, 2009 21:36 | link | comments (6) |

Friday, 03 April 2009

What a tool.

Hi.  Got a sec?

So sorry to disrupt your weekend.  It's me again, back after about nine weeks of unannounced absence, and feeling terrible about giving you absolutely no clue about what might cause me to act like such a tool.  Because that's me.  What a tool.

Parenthetically (and who these days says 'parenthetically'?  What a tool.) when trying to decide what word might best describe a person who departed so abruptly and unceremoniously, without the courtesy of expressed good wishes or implied regret, I reached back into my vocabulary of high school epithets and searched for a word, preferably one syllable, that exuded the degree of contempt appropriate to whatever Tool was currently being vilified, and as a bonus delivered a modicum of spittle in its expression.

What a TOOL!  Thwap! That is a wet word.  TOOL!  The chagrined recipient of this well deserved denigration flinches, with good reason probably, while a stream of expressed saliva creeps down the wall behind him.  Asshole isn't good enough for this tool.  Tool delivers spittle; asshole does not.

Believe me, I had choices.  We were not a complimentary lot, we immature Greens.  We studied our insults, and practiced our delivery.

Tool.  Twit.  Puke (a multi-generational favourite).  Grommet.  Hormone.  Git.  Twat.  Fag.  Turd.  Tard.  Retard.  Tit.  Dick.  Dweeb.  Dick-ass (no idea).  Hork.  Snotbomb.  Pusillanimous miscreant (used just once, and followed by a merciless beating).  Wire.  Gonad.  Goober.  Weenie.  Sports bra.

I can explain that one.  I had just had drops in my eyes for a glasses exam, and I was in K-Mart and I couldn't see very well.  This lady's husband mumbled something, and I thought he was talking to me.  His wife was looking for a sports bra, and I asked him 'what?' and he said 'sports bra' but he said it a little too loud.  I felt some spittle as well.  Anyway, I  dumped a display case of Skittles on him, because if there is one thing K-Mart has lots of it's Skittles.  Later, after my eyes cleared up, I saw them at the checkout with a sports bra, a Charley Pride CD, some stick-on bathroom door hooks, and a bag of Skittles.  Sports bra.  Gonch.  Nipplenose.  Peckerchecker.  Booger-eatin' moron.

But I digress.  The truth is, after having disrespected you and having ignored your generally favourable comments (including some sublime poetry by my good friend Sans Pantaloons), I am asking for your help.  Now that I have resolved to return, if that is indeed what I have done, I need your assistance.

I need to know what the future holds for the blog of Cooper Green, Lying Bastard.  If there is  a future.  A quiz will follow soon.  Please make sure you have two sharpened HB pencils on your desk.  If you must visit the washroom, do it now.  This will count towards your final mark.

posted by: coopergreen at April 03, 2009 23:42 | link | comments (9) |

Julia Roberts.  Julius Roberts.  Julia Roberts.  Julius Roberts.  Julia Roberts.  Julius Roberts.  Julia Roberts.  Julius Roberts.  Julia Roberts.  Julius Roberts.  Julia Roberts.  Julius Roberts.  Julia Roberts.  Julius Roberts.  Julia Roberts.  Julius Roberts.  Julia ...

posted by: coopergreen at April 03, 2009 23:39 | link | comments (9) |

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

posted by: coopergreen at February 10, 2009 09:02 | link | comments (15) |

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

posted by: coopergreen at January 27, 2009 23:04 | link | comments (2) |

Monday, 26 January 2009

Everybody Wants To Be Barack Obama

Excellent!  Three answers, and all of them correct.  That's because the first one was easy.  So is the second one, but they're so much fun to do, I don't care.  Here you go:



 


MoMos' been hinting, but hasn't made the leap.  Here's a giveaway hint: the scarified knife-wielding lady locked in the bathroom is the same woman who played Olive Oyl in 1980.

posted by: coopergreen at January 26, 2009 10:03 | link | comments (5) |

Sunday, 25 January 2009

Everybody Wants To Be Barack Obama

If all the celebrities who wish they were even more famous than they are had their way,  they would be Barack Obama.  We've known that for a long time, of course.  It's like he's the Tina Faye of politicians or something.  Anyway, that provides us with all the fertilizer we need for a fabulous new contest.

We'll start you out with an easy one.  Don't be fooled ... it's not Forrest Gump.  But if it's not him, then who is it that's trying to be Barack Obama?


posted by: coopergreen at January 25, 2009 16:34 | link | comments (6) |

Saturday, 24 January 2009

posted by: coopergreen at January 24, 2009 23:04 | link | comments (1) |

If Edgar Allan Poe Were Alive Today

So the raven's like, "Nevermore".

posted by: coopergreen at January 24, 2009 21:57 | link | comments (1) |

Thursday, 22 January 2009

posted by: coopergreen at January 22, 2009 20:48 | link | comments (5) |

 






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Candi Aztek
Sexy photos of Miss Drain Cleaner 2007, in twelve provocative poses.
 www.honkforhooters.com

Make Money With That Testicle
Not just a repulsive body part. Stuff it! Mount it! Sell it on Ebay!
 www.oneisplenty.com

Who links to my website?
There are people out there who love me more than life itself. Both of them told me so. www.wholinks2me.com


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